Call me sentimental, but this time of year seems like a good time to reflect on community life. Chris Marshall wrote: "I often say that church is not someplace you go but it’s a people you belong to."
(Please share your own experiences with The Shared Life via comments below).
I have had some awesome community-life experiences and… I have been immensely disappointed at times. Big surprise!
First– Some Background on the Shared Life
It seems to me that nothing is more basic to the simple-church / house-church thing than sharing life with others-a small community of intimate friends. In this context we are able to live out the "one-another" aspect of the Christian life:
- Honor one another
- Bear with one another in love
- Encourage one another
- Accept one another
- Serve one another
This type of powerful caring cannot take place in a crowd. It requires a small group of people who are committed to each other and to God’s purposes for their lives.
In the context of this type of community life healing takes place. Henri Nouwen suggests that "when we are willing to confess both to ourselves and the other that we too are broken, that we too have a handicap, and that we too need a place to grow, we can build a home together and offer each other an intimate place." It is this intimate place that provides the seedbed for healing and transformation!
In addition, this type of community life provides an environment where we learn to root for each other to discover and enter into God’s very best. Eldredge coined the term "intimate allies" to describe the way in which we support each other in our personal journeys as well as find ways to "go on quests together."
A Personal Shared Life Experience
I could share many wonderful stories of experiences I have had in community, but the following story stands out:
About two years ago I was going through a very difficult time with a son who was struggling spiritually and acting out in several self-destructive ways. I have been through several seasons of loss and pain, but this was a particularly grievous time. True to my usual self, however, I had escaped into some form of numbness and was not fully aware of how deep my grief was.
This was my condition as I stumbled into a house church meeting, a meeting of friends and people who are committed to the shared life. I came, frankly, with nothing to offer others or God. I simply came. I ate with others and then sat as worship began to take place around me. I was too disengaged to take part. I simply closed my eyes and sat still in a foggy, numbed-out state of mind.
My friends knew what was going on and I assumed they were content to just let me be and to soak in a bit of God’s presence.
However, after sitting for some time, with eyes closed, I felt something touch my foot. I could not imagine what it was. Opening my eyes slowly I realized that a woman-a dear friend and caring person-had kneeled down in front of me and was washing my shoe-clad foot. I was stunned and surprised, but I could not really take it in. My emotions were running in slow motion. I continued to sit and try to absorb what was happening. Then, moments later, my other foot was being touched. When I looked again, I saw an older man-one of my closest friends and mentors whom I look up to and admire-kneeling at my other foot and washing my shoe in a gesture of God’s love for me.
Even now, two years later, my eyes become moist as I remember the spontaneous, cathartic release of tears and sobbing that broke from my heart as I took in the love that was being shown to me. His love, shown through others, broke down the walls of numbness and self-protection that allowed my raw wound to be exposed and thus healing to begin.
Challenges with the Shared Life
Ah, but there are also the challenges. The times when community life just seems to make you want to pull out your hair (if you have any) and scream "aaaaggggghhhhhhh!!!!!" Perhaps I should avoid specifics here (I never know who ends up reading one of my blog posts) and just say that there are times when all of us want to make community life all about our self: "What’s in it for me?" "Why isn’t anyone paying attention to my needs?" "Why are others being so self-centered?" "Why is so-and-so being so hurtful?"
None of us absolutely love working through conflicts, dealing with difficult people, or persevering when community life is less-than rewarding. But that is all part of the package. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
Yet, I personally hang in because I believe it is God’s purpose for transformation and because it is, at times, an indescribable life-supporting gift.
As I have expressed, I would love to hear the experiences of others!
Comments
5 responses to “Community Life: the “Shared Life””
I think one of the best, but also most challenging aspects of the house church (for lack of a better term) community I am a part of, has been experiencing community with people who come from a broad spectrum of backgrounds/beliefs concerning church/faith, etc. Most churches tend to end up attracting lots of similar people. To be the body of Christ in the midst of differences is challenging (sometimes very challenging) but also incredibly rewarding. I think it is the most cherished thing for me about the church I am a part of.
In August of 2005, my husband left his job as an ass’t pastor at a local church. We were not sure what we were going to do for work or for a local church community. Amazingly, people literally just started showing up at our house on Sunday morning to worship with us. It eventually grew to a group of anywhere from 20-50 people (including kids). It was a sweet time. Early this fall, however, the whole thing crashed and burned. We found out that there were some people in the community that had been upset about choices we had made as parents. Instead of coming to us, there was talk. Eventually, it really blew up, the group is no longer meeting.
My husband and I are still reeling, to be honest. We opened our home and our lives and were extraordinarily vulnerable. We feel that the vulnerability that we allowed was then kind of “used against us”. My husband was told he was not “leadership” material. The people who said that have known us for years and were under his leadership while he was on staff at our old church.
I guess I relate this story, because I’m curious how one might use the model of the house church, without getting all the junk that is left over from being in years of church politics. Because of the vulnerability we showed, this really has been incredibly painful. We feel that perhaps some of the people that were upset didn’t understand the concept of really living in community, with everyone’s failures, disagreements and foibles. Instead, old patterns immerged…gossip, anger etc etc.
I’d love to hear your thoughts
Thanks, Jamie, for sharing your story so honestly. It is incredibly painful to put yourself out to others in a vulnerable way and have that used against you. I can relate!
I can also relate to working with house churches who have not really grasped some of the key concepts of community. John White likes to use the phrase “Honey I shrunk the church” to describe the tendency to take our traditional church patterns and simply shrink them into a smaller house-size version. In my experience, it is not uncommon to get into community with people and then discover (later) that they are still very motivated by some of the old “stuff”: consumerism, what’s-in-it-for-me, “this isn’t meeting my needs so who can I blame,” “i’m not being noticed enough here,” or “no one is appreciating my gifts”, etc, etc, etc. I hope this normalizes what you have been through a bit, though I realize that the pain of it still stings deeply.
In terms of hope? There are people out there who “get it” and who are in the process of “getting it.” In fact, I would even wonder out loud if there are not one or two people or families from that original group who sincerely want to commit themselves to living authentic, community, missional lives. If not, then God will bring others. I am convinced that if you are willing to continue walking out your own new lifestyle of community and mission that you will attract others like you. 20 to 50 people sounds very exciting (in a traditional church way of thinking), but sometimes just finding one or two others who share our new values is where the new DNA takes shape. I sure hope (though it’s so very hard) that you won’t be discouraged by a group of people who went to a house church bringing the traditional church with them.
Roger,
Thanks for the encouraging words. I really like the phrase “honey, I shrunk the church” …made me laugh. It’s a great way to describe it. I feel a blog post coming on, over that one. ha ha.
The good news is that Jesus never changes, He never disappoints. For that, I am grateful.
Jamie
Dealing with difficult people
We all have moments when we react in a hostile manner, are indecisive or feel unwilling to be flexible on an issue, but people who are difficult by nature are consistently troublesome to deal with. The only way to cope with their impossible behavior is to learn how to minimize their negative impact in most situations.
Difficult people have learned that their upsetting behavior keeps others off balance and incapable of effective action. If we respond by passive acceptance of their behavior, the problem continues because the difficult person has been given a signal that their tactics work. However, when we respond in ways they don” expect, we have taken some of the control away from them and empowered ourselves.
The goal when coping with difficult people is to negate their controlling behaviors so that you can get on with your own business. Only when their destructive behaviors fail to work will difficult people have an incentive to change. We have dealt here with only a few of the behavior types one may encounter in people.
I also found this resource which could help:
http://www.cvtips.com